Some Random Thoughts For You

Some things I have learned from kids in the last two weeks

At the children's camp which I am working, there is a little girl named Amani. Amani is precious. She reminds me alot of Allie and Abbey Billman, two girls I babysit back home (and who mean alot to me!) Anyways, the other day we had "Tennis Tuesday" where we all go and a tennis teacher comes and gives lessons to the kids for like 45 minutes. Amani really needed to go to the bathroom while we were at the park and the other kids had already gone so she asked me if I would take her to the restroom. I went with her and it turned out that the bathroom lights wouldn't work. So, I held the door open so that light would go into the dark bathroom and she could kind of see around, even though it was still pretty dark. She was so funny. She would not go into the bathroom and just stared wide eyed at the dark room saying to me "please come with me, I am scared." I explained that if I left the door than the door would close and then it would be completely dark and we both wouldn't be able to see anything...with me at the door at least a little light was shining into the bathroom. Amani quickly removed her shoe and proped the door open with it. Then, she hopped on one foot all the way to the stall and I stood there in the dark and held the stall door shut for her so she wouldn't have to lock the door. She went to the bathroom and I tried to ask her questions so she wouldn't think about how it was dark. I asked her if she liked barbies, baby dolls, movies,or anything else. She likes to dance. Her favorite singer is Beyonce and she loves the song "Single Ladies." She emerged from the stall and I said, don't forget to wash your hands, I will be right by the door, holding it open. I went to the door and gave her her shoe so she could walk to the sink. While she was washing her hands she kept saying "Morgan, don't make those scary noises." Seriously, I was not making any noises, I was just holding the door...she was hearing things because she was scared. All of a sudden, I see her little head peak around the corner at me out of the dark...the water at the sink is still running. She does a snake-ish move with her head and says, once again wide-eyed, "For real, those noises scare me, don't make any more." I couldn't help but hold back a giggle as I stared down at sweet Amani. She reminded me so much of Allie and Abbey in that moment. Her eyes wide, just like when Allie watches movies that she thinks are scary or when she is excited. I began to ask Amani questions again so she would not worry about the dark. However, I could not remove the smile off of my face as I asked her about her sweet life. I miss being a kid sometimes, I miss the days where even a ordinary trip to the bathroom can turn into such an adventure. Such a great moment in a very long, hot, sticky, loud day.

Another kid I get to hang out with lives right down the street from me in St. Roch(Vani). Vani really wanted me to play basketball with him (he is about 7). So we played against a couple of fourteen year olds that were at the park across the street. Needless to say we lost. I kept passing him the ball and he took the shots...that was pretty much our only game strategy. Although he scored only once, there was a moment where Vani caught the ball and then pulled it across his body before he started to dribble. I made a big deal about this saying, "ooo, look at that crossover...that was awesome!" Like I said, we lost...bad. However, as we were walking off the court back towards home, he looked up as me grinning from ear to ear and said, "hey, you member how I crossed that boy up? That was so tight." I laughed and said, oh yeah and made a big deal about it once again. And then I began thinking like a child again. I miss being a kid sometimes, I miss the fact that I could easily focus on the one good thing instead of the fact that I lost.

There is also another kid I want to tell you about. His name is Kalvin and he came with a group of volunteers the week of June 13th. He is from Franklin Indianna which is nice because it makes me think of a really good friend of mine, Jessica Moore who is also from Franklin Indianna. Kalvin was a really hard worker. He helped me clean in the morning and also went with me to the kids camp all afternoon. He is one who danced in the vans when the speakers busted with Michael Jackson and was always really excited about everything on the trip. I was having kind of a rough week and then on Wednesday night I was assigned to stay at the lodging with the groups. I rode with the Indianna group and we got stuck for about 45 minutes in traffic. Before I could even think about being frustrated, Kalvin yells "Hey, can we listen to P.Y.T. by MJ?" The song comes on and he begins to sing, dance, and get the whole van into the song. And as I watched Kalvin, I began to think about my calling. I was fourteen in Dallas inner-city and loving every minute of the missions trip. I was suddenly struck by a sense of renewal as I saw God working right next to me in the van. God used Kalvin to take me back to my calling. When I was just fourteen, I knew without a doubt that God was calling me to inner-city ministry; and even eight years later, living on my own in a city 14 hours from home, God still finds a way to stir my heart when I think of inner city ministry. It is far from what I thought it would be, and I guess that no matter the ministry everyone needs to be renewed sometimes, but God renewed me that very moment by simply taking me back to my calling through the example of a teenage boy.

I miss being a kid sometimes. I miss living in the moment with no worries about what the next day will bring.

But you know what? I am extremely blessed. I have a God who loves me and knows exactly what I need, and I need these kids. He uses them to show me Himself every day I am here. So if you are a kid I know...one I have babysat, one I am related to, one I have just had a few conversations with...please know that I am thankful for you today. God is using you to help me and you are doing great things for his kingdom.

I love you all very much, XOXOXO

"When Helping Hurts"

So, I have been reading a lot this summer already…surprise surprise! On my way down to New Orleans I read “To Kill a Mockingbird.” What a fun read after all of my text books from school! Now, however, I have begun to read school type books again. One of the books that I am currently reading is titled, “When Helping Hurts.” This book is about how to alleviate poverty without hurting the poor, or yourself. I have learned a lot and been challenged a lot by the information in this book. One thing that has particularly set heavy on my heart is about the broken relationship that we have with ourselves, with God, with others, and with all of creation, because of the fall.

This book has challenged me because I feel that so many times in my life I have tried to help through immediate giving without helping someone to fix the root of the problem, which is the brokenness that we have in the four relationships that I have listed above. Also, I have realized that the brokenness in those four relationships have affected my life as well. I am broken too. For instance, why do I really want to help the poor? What truly motivates me? Do I want to serve them because I love them, or is their some other motive living inside of my heart? I have realized, like the author realized, “that part of me is motivated to help the poor because of my felt need to to accomplish something worthwhile in my life, to be a person of significance, to feel like I have pursued a noble cause…to be a bit like God.” It makes me feel good to use my training from OCC to help people in crisis. And, like the author: “ in the process, I sometimes reduce poor people to objects that I use to fulfill my own need to accomplish something. It is a very ugly truth, and it pains me to admit it, but “when I want to do good, evil is right there with me” (Rom. 7:21).”

So what do you do? What do I do? Well, I am searching and praying that God gives me a pure heart every day. That I never boast in myself, but only in Him. That even with the law of sin at work within my being, that God can use me to accomplish His mission, the growing of His Kingdom. In my mind I am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin (Rom. 7:25). Even though this sounds depressing, and it is somewhat, I cannot forget to account for the work that Jesus Christ did on the cross to save me from this sinful flesh. For, while this war is going on between my flesh and my spirit, I am confident that in the end, God wins. Life through the Spirit is one of fullness, of joy, of boldness. Like professor Bowland told me in school, we see in chapter seven of Romans that just because we are Christians, we are not free from sin, however, we are freed from sins determitave power. My professor also told me that in the very next chapter of Romans (ch. 8), we see that life through the Spirit is a life that cannot be killed. In his words, “Chapter 8 begins with no condemnation, ends with no separation, and in the middle, no defeat.” These words comfort me as I struggle. I know that my struggle is healthy, that it means that I am continuing to grow and this is why I have such a problem with my sinful nature. I know that God is powerful enough to not only save me from myself, but to use me, despite the fact that I have not yet been made perfect, and won’t be made perfect until I die or until he comes back again.

I guess that the author of When Helping Hurts is right when he says that, “The fall really happened, and it is wreaking havoc in all of our lives. We are all broken, just in different ways.” However, I also believe that the author of Romans is right when He says, “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24-25)

And this is the hope that I cling to as I continue to help the poor in New Orleans. What a wretched woman I truly am. When I try to do good, I realize that evil is right there with me. But that just gives me all the more reason to serve the One True God…to praise and glorify Him with my life…for He has already rescued me from sins determitive power, and one day, He will rescue me from this body of death as well.